I woke up feeling not completely myself. An unidentifiable tension that grew over the course of the morning, consuming my mind without logic or direction.
I thought about what had changed in my life. The biggest being a complete removal of comfort and routine. I forfeited those luxuries when I quit my job and moved out of New York to travel the world. Yet the daily struggle of balance never goes away. Typically, vacation temporarily transports us to chaotic and spontaneous moments fueled by exploration and fun. It provides a reset button so we can continue on living our lives with purpose and intent when we return. But when vacation transforms into life, it takes a concerted effort to establish normalcy or make any kind of forward progress.
It's the balance between creating and consuming. Our time spent consuming allows us unwind, expand our perspective, and ultimately to get back to creating. But recently my life seemed to be centered around consuming - delicious food, gripping novels, enchanting scenery, and the endless lure of social media. In the first few weeks of travel, there were massive amounts of time and energy spent without replacing what I was taking in. I needed to cook, to run, to write, to think, to produce.
By noon, I had sat spinning on the idea I needed to do more. Be more. In whatever capacity that was. I couldn't remain idle any longer and went outside to run. I made it two minutes before stopping, needing to temporarily explode and let the emotions run from my body like water, tears flowing down my face. I couldn't find myself in this new and temporary life we had created. I felt lost and disconnected from everyone, mostly myself.
I appreciate Todd's strength during these moments of weakness. Sometimes confused, but always calm he gives me the space I need to be my whole self. Whether silent or with carefully chosen words he calms my soul, dries my eyes and realigns my mind. All without judgement. He stands closer than ever so I never lose my sense of security or self confidence when everything else feels displaced.
Together we discussed the minor perils that come with removing balance and routine from our lives. And how to overcome it. Creating short and long-term goals, allotting time to pursue them, and ultimately holding each other accountable.
That day we finished our run with purpose and filled our home with flowers from the nearby market. We took time to write and bring clarity to our contemplations. We adventured to the nearby town to watch the sunset. Made love and stayed up late talking about how to continue our travels with a renewed focus on balance. To be constantly creating as much, or more than we consume.