Dear Asshole,

Fuck you. And your ridiculous "store".

If you are reading this, which I am quite sure you aren't, I want you to know I hate you. 

Maybe it was your ill fitting untucked shirt and tattered jeans. The fact that your hair looked like it got lazy and just stopped growing. And right there up front where you really want hair to grow. Or perhaps it was your shitty attitude and the smug look on your face when we walked in.

The way your eyelids fluttered and hung at half mast on your disgruntled aging face told me you were less than amused to see the likes of me. Perhaps it was my attire. Or more likely my accent. Whatever it was that gave me away as your alleged arch nemesis I do not know. A young blonde American girl tourist, otherwise known to you as the direct spawn of Satan. And judging by the look in your eye the moment you saw me it was going to be war. 

I did not appreciate the tone in your voice as you made fun of me for not understanding German. And I most certainly did not appreciate the American girl impression you did of me. I do in fact know how to speak. Your allegations of being both deaf and dumb are not at all true. 

What I would have liked to say in response I couldn't because, honestly, I am not as quick on my feet as I would like to think I am. And, not to mention, I was all too focused on how to remove myself from the uncomfortable situation rather than respond to it. Hence the silence, cold stare and awkward departure. 

I bet if Antiques Roadshow came to town your books would be worth about as much as the shithole tent you sell them in. Be a man and get a real store. One that requires rent and not a donation of 2 canned foods to enter.

Little did you know this could have been your lucky day. My mother loves antique books. And has quite a lot of money to spend on them. You might be obliged to watch the movie Pretty Woman as there seems to be a similar situation young Vivan Ward (played by Julia Roberts) encounters while shopping on Rodeo Drive. You silly silly man. Big mistake. Huge!! 

Not at all sincerely, 


Chelsie Fish

Slightly exaggerated stories of love, life and travel.